3 Things I Learned as a Customer Support Rep

Most of my life I've spent reading textbooks.  Not just reading, but feasting.  I couldn't get enough of the theories, studies, and findings.  And I still have a weakness for articles with a killer abstract and thorough methodology.

But shortly after I walked away with my Bachelor's Degree, I threw myself into the world of practical application- I started working in customer support.  In the past 14 months, I've dealt with all types of escalation situations.  Everything from your grumpy, disgruntled client to situations that resembled the severity of a hostage negotiation.

And through all that, I've learned a few principles that apply across a variety of conflict situations.

1) People First, Problems Second

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  ~ Maya Angelou

Whether or not you are able to resolve a given situation is more dependent on how you treat people than how you treat their problem.

When approached with a problem, it's easy to zero in on the issue at hand.  Problems are easy to wrap your mind around and satisfying to solve.  Our brains get a nice little dopamine dump every time we solve a mental problem.

But people... people are complex, contextual beings.  Dealing with a person requires imagination, understanding, and empathy.  No wonder we gravitate toward problems!

Because of this, it's easy to forget that the person is more important than their problem.  In fact, the only reason the problem matters is if it matters to the person.  Which is why it's essential to understand the person before you try and and understand their problem.

If you take the time to really understand the person- where they've been, what they've experienced, and how they got to where they are- they'll trust you with their problem.  And once they trust you with their problem, they'll also trust the solution you bring them.

2) Defensiveness Never Solved Anything

No matter how strong your instincts, don't get defensive.  It's simply one of the best things you can do to maintain calm control of a situation.

Why?  Because defensiveness is an "away" state, and conflict is almost exclusively resolved when both parties are able to move closer to a "toward" state.

Essentially, when we start defending our actions or our character, we shift from proactive problem solving to defensive protection of person.  Last time I checked, it's difficult to gain significant yardage by only playing defense.

3) Honesty Really is the Best Policy

I've seen this truth play out over and over: The truth, framed kindly, will always result in the best solution.

Level with people.  When we are clear, open, and honest in the kindest way possible, we invite others to match our behavior.  And when both groups are contributing to the "pool of shared meaning", it opens the door to the best possible solution.

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The Role of a Victim

According to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, a victim is one that is inured, destroyed, or sacrificed; or one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.

When injustice occurs, victims are created.  Victims suffer from a variety of social and political ills and exist at all levels of society.  By this definition, there are few in the world who could not, at some point, rightly describe themselves as a victim.  When such individuals or groups suffer mistreatment, they deserve a helping hand.  Survivors of hardship often require counseling, social support, and a financial leg-up.  All of these things are wonderful ways our society has concocted to lend help to those sincerely in need.

And yet, while injustice is never to be condoned, there is considerable danger in a world in which victimhood is clung to as a security blanket.  In his book, Bonds that Make Us Free, C. Terry Warner explains how we often "cast ourselves in a victim's role by regarding others as our victimizers and nurse our misfortunes as if they were badges of honor" (54).  And it's true- all too often our human tendency is to hold up our victimization as our greatest excuse, so much so that it comes to define who we are.

Similarly, in The Conflict Resolution Handbook, Morton Deutsch outlines the psychological struggle victims face in breaking out of their role: "Some victims of injustice may have to free themselves from the seductive satisfaction of feeling morally superior to the victimizes before they can fully commit to and be effective in their struggle against justice" (51).  What Deutsch outlines here is the underlying issue: victims sit on the sidelines.  So long as an individual labels themselves as a victim, they cannot be a fully proactive force for good.  They cannot truly heal.  They cannot move forward.  And most importantly, they cannot break the cycle of victimization.

So while there is a time and place for grieving lost innocence, feeling frustration and sadness, and coming to terms with the age-old adage "life isn't fair", it is vital that this be merely a stage in the process to healing, not an all-consuming identity.  There is great power in life to be gained from the strength of those who have been beaten down and then risen from the ashes- stronger, truer, and ready to spearhead the social and political changes needed to rectify the many injustices that exist in our world.

My call to action is this: Let us not be perpetual victims.  When hardship occurs- even debilitating, bloody, innocence-stealing hardship- let us mourn for a time.  And then let us take our rightful sense of indignation and use it to help others heal.  There is much to be taught, much to be shared, and even more to be changed.  Let us learn to be active participants in our lives, not victims.  Let us teach our friends, colleagues, and children that, while we do not have control over all things, we can always choose to move forward and use what we have learned to fight the good fight and be an uplifting force for good.

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